I have one word for you: Xanax.

My youngest (nearly 9 yrs. old) has early onset schizo-effective disorder. It’s been a bit of a hell lately but is gradually getting better. The result of the stress of that situation sent me into a tail spin of anxiety, which of naturally triggered a bad fibro-flare. Went to see a neuropsychiatric specialist. I figured it was time to ask for help when my natural ability for parallel thought added paranoid connections between random things. Wouldn’t want crazy to get too out of hand, you know? So he started the process of a neurological work up and various other boring and dramatic things and he got me started on Xanax.

Let me tell you something first, my mom… she’s been taking Xanax like a fiend for about 13 years. Just the thought of having to take that stuff gave me yet another stomach cramp of anxiety. But I agreed to give it a try..

Wow!

I haven’t felt this clear headed and peaceful since I was maybe 17? Gosh that was a beautiful night. You would likely rather I skip that part but it was such a beautiful experience and the last time that I felt connected to life in such an peaceful manner. It was a mid-July evening in Iowa. One of those not to humid nights when the breeze is just right. Think of Meryl Streep on that farm house porch and she turns to face the wind and the look of pure contentment that is on her face. Oh, how I have grown to miss Iowa. But that’s getting off track and I’m sure you’re starting to get confused if you’ve managed to read this far.

I love my shrink and I love Xanax. I’ve still got the usual minor fibromyalgia things going on and the neuro quirks, but it’s as if I couldn’t be bothered to worry. And this is coming from me, the chick who just  spent 3 days awake and worrying herself into paranoia. And I’m remembering things today that used to give me joy and I’m excited about getting reacquainted with myself. I didn’t think I’d ever see that side of me again.

Hell. While fixing supper this evening, I felt as chipper as Barbara Streisand did while skipping across that college campus singing to the flowers to make them grow. (Bonus points to whomever can name that movie right off the top of their head. ;-) )

Which reminds me. I’ve been having this urge to NetFlix some Cary Grant movies, Giant in particular. And Doris Day movies. OH! And Elvis’ Hawaii movie which of course means I would also need to watch The Fabulous Baker Boys. I adore that movie. I know, it’s not the right time period but just has that nior feel to it and I love the soundtrack.

Sure, I still walk like an crippled old woman and twitch all over now and then and stink of Ben-Gay. But today, I didn’t care.

Sure my baby boy still was spouting prophecies of some other world known only to him and spent a lot of time yelling at me about horrible his day was and followed me around the kitchen telling me how to cook. But today, I smiled and sweetly was able to deal with that without constantly feeling like I was going to vomit.

I sat outside this afternoon, just enjoying the sun for the brief moment it was appearing from the clouds, and remembered being 4 years old on the first very warm day of Spring in a sun-dress and white strapy patten leather sandals with my sister dressed in matching clothes and shoes, playing Ring Around the Rosie with white clover crowns on our heads woven by our mother. Spinning ’round and ’round and smiling with the most perfect, innocent joy and collapsing dizzy and giggling into the grass and watching the clouds pass over. I think I need another moment like that. Do you suppose 34 is told old for Ring Around The Rosie? :D

So. Yes. Go Xanax!