I just spoke with my baby boy’s attending doctor at the hospital. We discussed his medications and the changes and accompanying psychosis and anxiety. He is stopping the Depakote as his levels are too high regardless of what dosage they have tried and are going to start weening him off of the Geodon since its side-effect of poor memory recall contributes to his anxiety. Today they are also going to start him on Neurotin to see if that eases his anxiety. We also discussed the possibility of starting him on Lithium while he is in the hospital. He said it is actually one of the safest medications to use in patients with mood disorders, even pediatric patients. I asked why it is always used as a last option. He said that the frequent blood level testing is the number one reason that most parents don’t try it before going through every other antipsychotic, most parents do not want to have to mess with frequent trips to the lab.

You know, I try to never judge what other parenting choices that other parents make because unless you know every single nasty detail of their lives, it is simply not fair. Every family is unique and so is every child. I’m trying very hard to understand why, when nothing else is working to preserve your child’s sanity, any parent would hesitate to try a medication with the safest side-effect profile that has the best track record of helping children & adults. Why? I don’t ask that sarcastically. Not in the slightest. It breaks my heart and I would really like to understand this way of thinking. If a child were diabetic, would a parent refuse to monitor their blood sugar 4-6 times a day and administer insulin injections? I wouldn’t think so.

I understand that most HMO’s don’t like to give prior-authorization for medications that require frequent lab testing in an attempt to keep costs down. I “get” that. Honestly. But why not fight tooth and nail to save your child?

And speaking of diabetes, the doctor said they would check his fasting and non-fasting blood sugar levels today and tomorrow. His blood sugar was a bit on the high side when they did labs at the ER. The only thing he had ate in a five hour period, about 30 minutes before the labs were drawn was 2 graham crackers and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter. He said that in some patients who take antisycotics, the meds can cause high blood sugar levels and when blood sugar is high it can induce psychotic behavior in some individuals.

The more depressing stuff is after the “More” tag/link. It’s my journal and my therapy so if you don’t want to deal with that, feel free to not click it. I won’t be offended in the slightest. And if you’re reading this in a feed-reader, just go ahead click onto your next updated feed.

This is one of those days when I wonder just how much more we are going to have go through. I’m scared to death that my baby is going to grow up while slowly slipping further and further away from sanity and we will never see “him” again. Somewhat of an irrational thought, I know. But nothing. Absolutely nothing, none of the challenges of parenting has ever felt this hopeless. Not when Boy #2 was a baby & toddler and dealing with his X-linked primary immune difficency and we had to do the Iv-IGg every month and he spent months on antibiotics and fighting respiratory and skin infections. Not even dealing with Boy #1’s bipolar & ADHD ever seemed this hopeless.

The Xanax is helping a great deal. Without it, I would likely be at the same hospital as Baby Boy, except in the adult unit. And I thank the gods daily for the wonderful and supportive friends who ask about him with genuine concern and always have an ear to listen. I treasure each of you more than I could possibly convey. Thank you.