Wild-Heart.net

At least that is what I’ve been telling mine since they were old enough to protest taking responsibility for their own messes. I’ve heard it all since Boy #1 was about 3 yrs. old. Kate has reached the point most moms reach sooner or later concerning chores and allowance and asked for some input. And now that it’s 07:16 and I’ve just nicely reminded the teenagers, Boys #’s 1 and 2, that the floors of our homes are not the proper place to dispose of garbage for the second time since 06:30, I’d like to attempt to answer her questions. I say attempt because there are no easy answers and solutions and sometimes, with strong willed children, you, the parent are truthfully facing a “grin & bear it” sort of silent battle until they are raised and on their own.

Kate’s questions are in bold.

• Do your kids get an allowance? If so, is it tied in to performing their chores? Our boys do not receive an allowance. They do however earn special privileges when they have done their chores.
• What are your kids’ ages? What allowance do they get? For the 15 yr. old, that might be cash for extra minutes on his cell phone or cash to go to a movie with friends, or he might be rewarded by getting to stay out on a weekend evening in the neighborhood until 9:30 with his friend that’s a girl but not his girlfriend. For the soon to be 14 yr. old, the things that motivate him are different as he is in that stage of early teen years where he still enjoys playing with Hot Wheels and building forts in the backyard. So for him it might be cash or the privilege of going to the store with us to pick out a toy with a certain cost limit or cash to go to a movie with a friend. The 9 year old and the soon to be 9 year old live to be rewarded with Happy Meals, Hot Wheels, Sigma 6 things and trips to Books-A-Million. And of course, extended computer time. They all know that if they want something they need to attempt to contribute to keeping order in our home. Do they willingly comply? Not usually. When you enter parenthood with a strong conviction to raise your children to be independent and they all turn out to be Alpha Males with Type A personalities and incredibly intelligent, well, you get what you wished for and you pay the price with challenging personalities. My friends whose children have mostly been raised and are now in their twenties, all assure me that it will pay off eventually and when they reach their early to mid-twenties it will pay off and we will start to see the values we desperately attempt to instill in them, come to the surface. That is the hope I cling to.
• What daily chores do your kids perform? Honestly? They don’t have very many chores. Boy #1 is expected to check all trashcans daily and take out what garbage needs to be taken out. Boy #2 is assigned litter-box duty and feeding the cats. Boys #”s 3 & 4 are expected to pick up their toys before bedtime every evening. It may sound like the youngest are getting off easy but they string LOTS of toys from their bedroom to the living room on a daily basis. And each and every one of them is expected to do the little things that are simply respectful to every one who lives in our home. Like putting garbage in garbage cans, not leaving wet towels in the single bathroom shared by all members of the family, not leave dirty clothing and school uniforms in a trail from the front door to their bedroom, taking any glasses & dishes to the kitchen and any other little task I might need help with.
• How do you keep track of whether they’ve done their chores? A chart? Some other system? I have tried charts so many times with them that I’ve completely given up. They’ve learned that Mom has the uncanny ability to know who is wear and who’s done what and who hasn’t with just a glance and keeping an ear tuned to all of their brotherly conversations (AKA bitch fests). Living in a small townhouse helps.
• What’s the penalties for not doing their chores at all? Nothing extra. Period. I will not be bargained with. With the Bipolar boys (#1 & #4) it’s a bit more difficult. They just do not comprehend consequences when they aren’t medicinally stable or if they are in a state of distress. I’m not excusing their lack of responsibility, EEG studies and MRI studies have proven that when their brains are not functioning properly, the area of the brain that would receive the message of consequence does not work. So, when they have de-stressed they are given another opportunity to do what is expect and know that they will lose privileges if they don’t take an active part in sharing the household responsibilities.
• Do you penalize for a poorly done job? Not for a poorly done job. If they don’t do it right they are asked politely to do it again. As often as necessary. I care more about their attitudes. They know there will be no rewards and no special treatment if they want to challenge us every step of the way. The teens want to be independent and make their own choices and let their mouths run freely. If they bitch the entire time they are doing what is expected they know they will not rewarded in any way shape or form. The youngest two are now at the stage where they think they might try backtalk and complain incessantly A reminder of the consequences for being ugly is not to their benefit usually works.
• Any other thoughts on how to introduce the concept of chipping in with the work around here to a child who seems to believe his mother exists for the purpose of cooking, schooling and snuggling him? I don’t know quite how to answer this one without it being taken wrongly. So know that what follows isn’t being given from the top of a soap-box. The sad truth is, this quandary’s solution is individual to each Mom. For me, being submissive in nature, I had to come to the realization that I cloaked my inner control-freak nature in what I felt where my duties to my husband. As my health began to deteriorate I was faced with having to give up control of some of the household responsibilities and come to grip with the fact that it doesn’t matter how household chores are done but that they are done. I had to remind myself that my ultimate goal was not to raise typical “Mama’s Boys.” Trust yourself as Mom. Follow your instincts and be flexible. No one, mother or father, ever feels they are doing it right all of the time. Perhaps you will be one of the blessed few that have children who just willingly contribute to maintaining your home. If not, just do what feels right and hold onto that hope that those with experience have assured us… It will all come out good in the end and the years to get there will be worth it. I believe those assurances. While the teens are quickly becoming a challenge just by virtue of being teenagers, I have to admit that I enjoy their presence so much more at this age than I ever thought I would. I spent their first 12 years frustrated and feeling quite alone as a parent, and gods know that frustration hasn’t gone away but it has been rewarded with the companionship of rapidly maturing minds, that when not clouded by hormones, can participate in some very interesting and intelligent conversations. I will never forget when Boy #1 first watched Braveheart with me two years ago. He cried like a baby and we talked about the movie until 03:00.

I hope some of this helps someone. In the end we simply gather bits and pieces from other parents and hope like hell that our kids turn out to be decent human beings. Every family has their own dynamic to deal with and every child is unique. Some kids respond to having a list of chores and a chart. Some buck it every step of the way. And we all find our own ways to thrive as families and that includes how each of us deals with chores and allowance.

I know that my own parents did not give my sister and I an allowance. We were expected to help with the household chores and help with various farm chores. When I reached dating age, in high school, many afternoons were spent feeding pigs (seriously!) and taking care of our horse and pets before getting cleaned up and ready to go out for the night. And from ages 11-17, during the months of July and August, we were expected to “walk beans” at the crack of dawn until noon and from 18:00 until dark. A lot of the time I didn’t like it. I seem to recall irrationally attempting to convince my parents that I needed an allowance. My sister and I felt we were expected to work so we should be paid an allowance. But we did get paid. My parents were far from poor. They could have easily paid us an allowance, but instead what my father did was keep track of how many hours we worked with him on the farm and at the beginning of each new school year he figured the pay at minimum wage and showed us exactly how much money we would be able to spend on new school clothes and exactly how much he would be depositing into our savings accounts. We weren’t allowed to withdrawal from our savings accounts. At the time we found that to be oppressive. When I moved out and on my own, I was thankful that he had been that strict about it. And as an adult I know that my needs were taken care of and realize that the lesson being taught was responsibility and the tools for a strong work ethic.

My own kids may not be as easily placated as my sister and I were when it comes to blowing money on wants verses needs and my pockets are certainly not as deep as my parents were, but in the last 15 years, I’ve found they don’t need to be. They have everything they need to survive and thrive. What they do with it is ultimately up to them.