Wild-Heart.net

“[...]it is our strong recommendation that you make arrangements for your son to be picked up from school today instead of riding the bus home. It has been brought to our attention that further threats to his person have been made and until we have arrested those who forced their way onto the bus yesterday and attacked him, which should be later this afternoon, we recommend he not ride the school bus.”

That was from the phone call I received from Campus Police about an hour or so ago concerning the drama that occurred yesterday with Boy #1. I assume the “we” she was referring to was County Police/Deputies in cooperation with Campus Police. Yeap. Nothing like teen drama on a bus that serves quite the varied social populous. Seems that one of the kids who plays him as a fair weather friend played off some of his own remarks about one of these thugs little brothers and passed them off as Boy #1’s remarks. Impossible as Boy #1 no longer has anything to do with this kid since he gave him candy towards the end of the last school year and it turned out to be meth (took a $25 drug test to figure it out) and we spent several hours helping him go through the tweaking out phase of a first time user. Oh yes, as if parents don’t have enough to worry about, 12-14 year olds are actually giving meth away, telling other students that it’s candy because that’s the new trend, flavoring the crap so it tastes like candy. F*ckers. So the boy has had it out for Boy #1 since he and I reported it to the proper officials at the school and the police department.

Two neighborhood drop-out thugs from up the street forced their way onto the school bus yesterday afternoon and proceeded to pound the crud out of Boy #1. Had this happened out on the street I would have understood if he fought to defend himself. However, this was on the school bus and I’ve got to say that as sick as it might sound to others, I’m proud of him for keeping his hands to himself and not fighting back. I’m so very proud that he was able to maintain that much control of himself. Why should I be? Because he is normally very impulsive due to the bipolar disorder and being a teenager, he acts without thinking and in the past that has gotten him written up and suspended from the bus more times than I care to remember.

He maintained control. That means his meds are working. Belittle me if you wish but I’m proud of him. The result is that this time, the punks that started this are going to be charged with assault and battery and my son isn’t getting yet another mark on his school record.

For those of you close enough to have read the now temporarily defunct other blog, you know we, as a family have been through a whole lot of hell with Baby Boy since December of last year. The short of it is that eventually he was diagnosed with severe early onset schizo-affective disorder… two weeks prior to my mother finally being diagnosed with the same disorder. I feel like it’s something I’ve been dealing with all of my life in caring for others. But when it’s your own child, it’s something else entirely.

This came about just as I finally won my 4 year fight for disability. During those years I was without medical coverage. As an asthmatic with diastolic heart failure as a result of giving birth one too many times while having pulmonary stenosis and ventricular incompetence, I knew better than to let a sinus infection or bronchitis go untreated, but I did on more than one occasion which led to the development of COPD.

Myself and my children are extremely sensitive to stimulants of any sort. They tend to make us a bit manic. Add the stress of what we’ve gone through with Baby Boy and the addition of COPD medications, which are all stimulants  and I became a ball of manic anxiety. It got to the point that 1mg of Xanax taken 4-5 times daily didn’t settle my nerves. Not even the additon of an antipsychotic mood stabilizer did the trick.

Baby Boy and I had our monthly appointment with the neuro-pyschiatrist on Friday. He was finally able to review my lumbar MRI screens and devise the best pain/anxiety/and mood treatment to give a try. So now for me it’s 5mg of Abilify 2x daily, 2mg Xanax 3x daily and 50 mg. of Tramadol at bedtime. I now sleep at night. Since starting the Spiriva for COPD two weeks ago, I had been fighting insomonia to no avail. Not even Melatnonine would knock me out. Nor Benedryll.

The numbness in my thigh isn’t bothering me nearly as bad, my daily migraine had disappeared,  and I haven’t been this relaxed in years. Sure, I’m still up tight. But nothing like I had become after watching my child lose his mind six months ago. The Tramadol is also supposed to help the Fibromyalgia and while I cannot say that I am pain free, I can say it no longer is taking me 3 hours to get moving every morning.

So far, so good. Mellow is good.

• My nest is half empty pushing my anxiety level to new levels. Some may think that the years in which I did not have physical custody of my bio-boys was fun and easy. Little do they know me. It left me with an irrational fear of being separated from both my bio-boys and my bonus-boy.
• Baby Boy continues to struggle for stability. Friday I finally had an opportunity to speak with our family psychiatrist about this without him being present. The consensus being, severe early onset of schizoaffective with the major problem being, due to his previous hospitalizations, he tries very hard to maintain a facade of not letting anyone know when he is struggling with the auditory and visual hallucinations resulting in an increase of stress to maintain that control which triggers the mania aspects. The doctor said that he has one of the most severe cases of early onset he has seen yet also shows the most uncanny willpower to mask it and attempt to control it that he has ever seen. We also discussed this being the last time we try a different atypical anti psychotic. If this med combo doesn’t work, it’s time to pull out the “big guns” of the older and more potent schizophrenic medications.
• Had a lumbar MRI six weeks ago which revealed degenerative disc disease with two discs being fused with calcification spreading up the back of the spine and one disc bulging. This explains the lower body neuropathy and neurological symptoms but not the tremors in the upper extremities and decreasing fine motor skills. Waiting for a referral to a neurologist to make sure it’s just the fibromyalgia and not something else co-occurring.
• On Memorial Day I made the best smoked/grilled chicken ever. I also ended up with heat exhaustion from being outside all afternoon in the sun and the heat from the grill.
• Joseph is on vacation this week. The goal is to finish painting the interior of our town-home. The kitchen is half done. I’ll attempt finishing it tomorrow while Joseph works on patching holes throughout the rest of the house. When we’re done, the property manager claims new sub flooring, carpet and linoleum will be soon to follow.
• Father in-law and his significant other will be visiting a week from Sunday. We haven’t seen them since our wedding. It always throws me off guard. Joseph is a carbon copy of his father… only taller. His father also has the most unsettling way of looking a person straight in the eyes in a way that leaves one feeling that your soul has been left completely visible to him… It’s Joseph with age and wisdom. Lord, what a future Joseph and I have if Joseph also gains that much of his father in years to come.
• My last living grandparent is failing. She had the beginning stages of renal failure and was refusing to eat. She seems to have improved a great deal and I’ve been told that she’s came out of the renal failure. Her birthday is Sunday. I have to try and find a good time to call her this week. She keeps asking my parents, “When is my girl going to call me? She’s long overdue to call.” Thing is, having Nate home full time since his last hospitalization has left me with little time for luxuries such as long phone calls. And Grandma always talks with me for a very long time, always at least an hour and a half. Thank the gods for unlimited long distance!
• Boy #1 is now 5′ 9″ and only 15 years old. He just might grow into thoe size 12 feet someday.
• Boy #2 is now 14 and lord help my sanity. His personality is that of a great-uncle that while living, lived to keep drama going in the family. He carries a giant spoon with which to stir the pot at will.
• I’m a horrible mother of sons. While I enjoy them more the older they become, and the teen years aren’t quite as horrible as I had feared, the voice changes that boys go through is akin to nails down a chalkboard. There are days that I dread waking up as I know it will be followed by Boy #2’s forever changing and croaking and screeching voice.
• My mother will be here for my birthday this year. She will be arriving two days prior. She wants to meet Joseph’s family that lives here in GA and has suggested that my birthday should be the day. I’m more inclined to simply leave her to supervise the children and take a night away from home in a local hotel. Alas, between my mother’s wish and those of my neighbors & friends it will likely be that I play hostess for my own backyard birthday party.
• Bonus Boy is insistent that he wants to be here for the entirety of my mother’s visit and has begged Joseph to please ask his mother if he may stay with us the entire 12 days instead of just the 7 in the middle. I won’t hold my breath for that one.
• Sunday, the boys and I watched an older movie that has long been a favorite of Boy #1’s which he hadn’t seen a few years, 8 Seconds, the story of bull rider Lane Frost’s life. Boys #1 & 2 and I followed it with an older Julia Roberts movie, Something To Talk About, simply because, while it’s set in The South, it reminds us so much of life “back home.” Not to mention Robert Duvall reminds us so much of my Dad.
• Boy #2 has enrolled in Time4Learning for the summer with his goal being to complete 7th grade curriculum this summer and then take a grade placement test when school starts back in August. If he completes this goal, having seen Georgia’s mandated curriculum requirements for 8th grade public schools, he just might end up placed in 9th grade… There is that much of a disparity and that much lacking Georgia public school curriculum.
• Boy #1 wants to try to get accepted into National Guard Youth Challenge as soon as he turns 16 in January. I’ve been working with one of their mentoring coordinators to find a qualified mentor here in Macon that is willing to at least meet him so we can get the ball rolling. Last week, I dreamed of his wedding. It was unsettling to say the least but reassuring just the same. He later told me that when he is done with NGYC his goal is to join the Marines. Which made the fact that in the dream he was in full Marine dress uniform for his wedding, a bit more unnerving.
• I wish I was more tolerant of having two teenagers with two different musical preferences in my home. Honestly, I have to hand it to my parents. They rarely complained when my sister had her music blaring from one side of the house and I had mine baring from the other. In their shoes I would have gone completely insane.
• I think I’m finally getting sleepy. I’ll attempt something more interesting and upbeat tomorrow.

Ciao for now.~

There’s a little odd thing that happens when a schizoaffective child is manic while delusional. He will say inappropriate things. Things that will make your jaw hit the floor. Things that no amount of pepper or soap on the tongue or anything else will curb.

Baby Boy has been full of those moments lately. Today’s was one of those days. As soon as Boy #1 (the bipolar one) comes in the door he is accosted bY Baby Boy who just calm as can be, looks right at him and says, “Let me ask you something. Why are you such a bitch?” And as I made a 30 second dash to the hallway and land on my face, Baby Boy had begun dancing circles around Boy #1 singing, “G. is a bitch! G. is a bitch!”

Now Boy #1 is paranoid and takes it all personally and becomes upset. Then Baby Boy whom was put in the corner and fruitlessly had it explained to him that his language and behavior were inappropriate and now he must sit quietly for 5 minutes and do his deep breathing therapy. In which he continued to sing while breathing deeply.

All I can do is sit here and laugh. I’m sure Loki is.

Our local mall is having or recently had a casting call for the producers of that Nanny reality show. I briefly entertained dragging them all down there and if casted they’d get to meet a woman who’s a bigger witch than they could ever imagine me being on a bad day right before that time of the month. But in the end it would probably mentally break the nanny’s mind and I’d end up having to take care of her, too!

And people wonder why I cannot sit through an episode of Malcolm In The Middle.

Baby Boy’s birthday is this Friday. He’s decided he just wants an outdoor party in the evening with grilled cheese, tomato soup & French fries, all cooked on the grill. And he also wants to invite our neighbors whom are friends and another couple and their children whom we are friends with. He promised he wouldn’t turn ugly even though these are people whom he’s taken upon himself to kick out of our home when he’s psychotic and delusional. And he wants cheesecake. With blueberries.

I’m taking bets.

Mid-Quarter grade reports came home today. Boy #1 is 15 yrs. old, the same teacher always puts in the remarks section, “Needs more home study time.”

Excuse me? He’s 15 years old, hormonal and bipolar. We have spend every school night struggling to keep him from going to spend time with the neighborhood drop-out. The first words out of my mouth when he gets home everyday are, “Do you have homework and do you have any tests coming up?”

I wonder exactly what this teacher suggests we do to give him more home study time. Seriously. He see’s the psychiatrist this Friday because Spring is coming on and he is showing signs of the seasonal aspects, including slipping grades. Until he’s restabilized, I’m afraid my walls and I can’t deal with giving him ultimatums. Bipolar + teenager + 5ft. 9 inches & 175lbs = it’s not worth it at this time. Our time at home is structured beyond belief. The word “schedule” gives me giddy tingles of glee. He is, without a doubt, the epitome of being able to lead a horse to water but not being able to make it drink.

And am I alone in thinking that a report card is the last place to make contact about a child a teacher has concerns about?

Sorry. I had to get that off my chest before I screamed.

And I apologize for not following up on the cryptic post previous to this one. I will do so later tonight or in the morning.

Baby Boy is coming home from the hospital tomorrow. So far stopping the Depakote and starting him on Neurotin seems to be helping. He’ll have an apt. with his psychiatrist next Tuesday. We’re supposed to discuss weening him to one dose of Geodon daily, keeping him on Neurotin and adding Lithium once he’s been weened off of the Geodon or at least to just an evening dosage.

He sounds so much better now when we talk to him and he no longer thinks he can see & take people’s souls or that his family is trying to kill him. I’m telling you, a hallucinating child is a frightening and heartbreaking thing.

Boy #3 is with his mother this week and with Baby Boy being in the hospital, my nest has been half empty. It’s a horrible thing.

At least that is what I’ve been telling mine since they were old enough to protest taking responsibility for their own messes. I’ve heard it all since Boy #1 was about 3 yrs. old. Kate has reached the point most moms reach sooner or later concerning chores and allowance and asked for some input. And now that it’s 07:16 and I’ve just nicely reminded the teenagers, Boys #’s 1 and 2, that the floors of our homes are not the proper place to dispose of garbage for the second time since 06:30, I’d like to attempt to answer her questions. I say attempt because there are no easy answers and solutions and sometimes, with strong willed children, you, the parent are truthfully facing a “grin & bear it” sort of silent battle until they are raised and on their own.

Kate’s questions are in bold.

• Do your kids get an allowance? If so, is it tied in to performing their chores? Our boys do not receive an allowance. They do however earn special privileges when they have done their chores.
• What are your kids’ ages? What allowance do they get? For the 15 yr. old, that might be cash for extra minutes on his cell phone or cash to go to a movie with friends, or he might be rewarded by getting to stay out on a weekend evening in the neighborhood until 9:30 with his friend that’s a girl but not his girlfriend. For the soon to be 14 yr. old, the things that motivate him are different as he is in that stage of early teen years where he still enjoys playing with Hot Wheels and building forts in the backyard. So for him it might be cash or the privilege of going to the store with us to pick out a toy with a certain cost limit or cash to go to a movie with a friend. The 9 year old and the soon to be 9 year old live to be rewarded with Happy Meals, Hot Wheels, Sigma 6 things and trips to Books-A-Million. And of course, extended computer time. They all know that if they want something they need to attempt to contribute to keeping order in our home. Do they willingly comply? Not usually. When you enter parenthood with a strong conviction to raise your children to be independent and they all turn out to be Alpha Males with Type A personalities and incredibly intelligent, well, you get what you wished for and you pay the price with challenging personalities. My friends whose children have mostly been raised and are now in their twenties, all assure me that it will pay off eventually and when they reach their early to mid-twenties it will pay off and we will start to see the values we desperately attempt to instill in them, come to the surface. That is the hope I cling to.
• What daily chores do your kids perform? Honestly? They don’t have very many chores. Boy #1 is expected to check all trashcans daily and take out what garbage needs to be taken out. Boy #2 is assigned litter-box duty and feeding the cats. Boys #”s 3 & 4 are expected to pick up their toys before bedtime every evening. It may sound like the youngest are getting off easy but they string LOTS of toys from their bedroom to the living room on a daily basis. And each and every one of them is expected to do the little things that are simply respectful to every one who lives in our home. Like putting garbage in garbage cans, not leaving wet towels in the single bathroom shared by all members of the family, not leave dirty clothing and school uniforms in a trail from the front door to their bedroom, taking any glasses & dishes to the kitchen and any other little task I might need help with.
• How do you keep track of whether they’ve done their chores? A chart? Some other system? I have tried charts so many times with them that I’ve completely given up. They’ve learned that Mom has the uncanny ability to know who is wear and who’s done what and who hasn’t with just a glance and keeping an ear tuned to all of their brotherly conversations (AKA bitch fests). Living in a small townhouse helps.
• What’s the penalties for not doing their chores at all? Nothing extra. Period. I will not be bargained with. With the Bipolar boys (#1 & #4) it’s a bit more difficult. They just do not comprehend consequences when they aren’t medicinally stable or if they are in a state of distress. I’m not excusing their lack of responsibility, EEG studies and MRI studies have proven that when their brains are not functioning properly, the area of the brain that would receive the message of consequence does not work. So, when they have de-stressed they are given another opportunity to do what is expect and know that they will lose privileges if they don’t take an active part in sharing the household responsibilities.
• Do you penalize for a poorly done job? Not for a poorly done job. If they don’t do it right they are asked politely to do it again. As often as necessary. I care more about their attitudes. They know there will be no rewards and no special treatment if they want to challenge us every step of the way. The teens want to be independent and make their own choices and let their mouths run freely. If they bitch the entire time they are doing what is expected they know they will not rewarded in any way shape or form. The youngest two are now at the stage where they think they might try backtalk and complain incessantly A reminder of the consequences for being ugly is not to their benefit usually works.
• Any other thoughts on how to introduce the concept of chipping in with the work around here to a child who seems to believe his mother exists for the purpose of cooking, schooling and snuggling him? I don’t know quite how to answer this one without it being taken wrongly. So know that what follows isn’t being given from the top of a soap-box. The sad truth is, this quandary’s solution is individual to each Mom. For me, being submissive in nature, I had to come to the realization that I cloaked my inner control-freak nature in what I felt where my duties to my husband. As my health began to deteriorate I was faced with having to give up control of some of the household responsibilities and come to grip with the fact that it doesn’t matter how household chores are done but that they are done. I had to remind myself that my ultimate goal was not to raise typical “Mama’s Boys.” Trust yourself as Mom. Follow your instincts and be flexible. No one, mother or father, ever feels they are doing it right all of the time. Perhaps you will be one of the blessed few that have children who just willingly contribute to maintaining your home. If not, just do what feels right and hold onto that hope that those with experience have assured us… It will all come out good in the end and the years to get there will be worth it. I believe those assurances. While the teens are quickly becoming a challenge just by virtue of being teenagers, I have to admit that I enjoy their presence so much more at this age than I ever thought I would. I spent their first 12 years frustrated and feeling quite alone as a parent, and gods know that frustration hasn’t gone away but it has been rewarded with the companionship of rapidly maturing minds, that when not clouded by hormones, can participate in some very interesting and intelligent conversations. I will never forget when Boy #1 first watched Braveheart with me two years ago. He cried like a baby and we talked about the movie until 03:00.

I hope some of this helps someone. In the end we simply gather bits and pieces from other parents and hope like hell that our kids turn out to be decent human beings. Every family has their own dynamic to deal with and every child is unique. Some kids respond to having a list of chores and a chart. Some buck it every step of the way. And we all find our own ways to thrive as families and that includes how each of us deals with chores and allowance.

I know that my own parents did not give my sister and I an allowance. We were expected to help with the household chores and help with various farm chores. When I reached dating age, in high school, many afternoons were spent feeding pigs (seriously!) and taking care of our horse and pets before getting cleaned up and ready to go out for the night. And from ages 11-17, during the months of July and August, we were expected to “walk beans” at the crack of dawn until noon and from 18:00 until dark. A lot of the time I didn’t like it. I seem to recall irrationally attempting to convince my parents that I needed an allowance. My sister and I felt we were expected to work so we should be paid an allowance. But we did get paid. My parents were far from poor. They could have easily paid us an allowance, but instead what my father did was keep track of how many hours we worked with him on the farm and at the beginning of each new school year he figured the pay at minimum wage and showed us exactly how much money we would be able to spend on new school clothes and exactly how much he would be depositing into our savings accounts. We weren’t allowed to withdrawal from our savings accounts. At the time we found that to be oppressive. When I moved out and on my own, I was thankful that he had been that strict about it. And as an adult I know that my needs were taken care of and realize that the lesson being taught was responsibility and the tools for a strong work ethic.

My own kids may not be as easily placated as my sister and I were when it comes to blowing money on wants verses needs and my pockets are certainly not as deep as my parents were, but in the last 15 years, I’ve found they don’t need to be. They have everything they need to survive and thrive. What they do with it is ultimately up to them.

I just spoke with my baby boy’s attending doctor at the hospital. We discussed his medications and the changes and accompanying psychosis and anxiety. He is stopping the Depakote as his levels are too high regardless of what dosage they have tried and are going to start weening him off of the Geodon since its side-effect of poor memory recall contributes to his anxiety. Today they are also going to start him on Neurotin to see if that eases his anxiety. We also discussed the possibility of starting him on Lithium while he is in the hospital. He said it is actually one of the safest medications to use in patients with mood disorders, even pediatric patients. I asked why it is always used as a last option. He said that the frequent blood level testing is the number one reason that most parents don’t try it before going through every other antipsychotic, most parents do not want to have to mess with frequent trips to the lab.

You know, I try to never judge what other parenting choices that other parents make because unless you know every single nasty detail of their lives, it is simply not fair. Every family is unique and so is every child. I’m trying very hard to understand why, when nothing else is working to preserve your child’s sanity, any parent would hesitate to try a medication with the safest side-effect profile that has the best track record of helping children & adults. Why? I don’t ask that sarcastically. Not in the slightest. It breaks my heart and I would really like to understand this way of thinking. If a child were diabetic, would a parent refuse to monitor their blood sugar 4-6 times a day and administer insulin injections? I wouldn’t think so.

I understand that most HMO’s don’t like to give prior-authorization for medications that require frequent lab testing in an attempt to keep costs down. I “get” that. Honestly. But why not fight tooth and nail to save your child?

And speaking of diabetes, the doctor said they would check his fasting and non-fasting blood sugar levels today and tomorrow. His blood sugar was a bit on the high side when they did labs at the ER. The only thing he had ate in a five hour period, about 30 minutes before the labs were drawn was 2 graham crackers and 2 tablespoons of sugar free peanut butter. He said that in some patients who take antisycotics, the meds can cause high blood sugar levels and when blood sugar is high it can induce psychotic behavior in some individuals.

The more depressing stuff is after the “More” tag/link. It’s my journal and my therapy so if you don’t want to deal with that, feel free to not click it. I won’t be offended in the slightest. And if you’re reading this in a feed-reader, just go ahead click onto your next updated feed.

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